Thursday, July 17, 2008

Thursday Thirteen #51: Dealing With Dial Up, Pop Culture Style

13 Things That Can Be Done In the Amount of Time It Takes A Page To Load Using Dial-Up

The past few days have been spent moving into my new digs. Since I had been offline for most of Monday, one of the first things I did at my new place was to set up my computer. When I was unable to get online, I called my ISP. The rep I spoke to explained that even though my phone number hadn't changed, I was having problems because my DSL hadn't been installed at my new address. He went on to say that the installation could take up to 15 business days! Upon hearing this, I went all Hannah/Miley on him and replied, "Earthlink rep say what?!" As a consolation (like the Turtle Wax they used to give to game show losers in the 70s and 80s), the rep added that in the meantime I would be able to use the free dial-up service. I don't mind partying like it's 1999, but trying to surf the Internet as if it was 9 years ago is not all that fun.

Everyday Internet activities that we take for granted (for example, viewing You Tube clips and listening to streaming audio) are next to impossible when using dial-up... unless you enjoy watching video/listening to audio in 3 second intervals. Instead of going George Carlin and invoking the Seven Dirty Words, I decided to get creative with my temporary misfortune. Below (in no particular order) are 13 pop culture-related things that could be done in the amount of time it takes a page to load using Internet dial-up service. Admittedly, some of these things you wouldn't want to do, but you get the point.

By the way, did you ever expect to see references to Hannah Montana and George Carlin in the same post?

1. Cook at least two bags of microwave popcorn (separately of course)

2. Play sides 1 AND 2 of a James Brown multi-part 45.

3. Endure the seemingly endless barrage of commercials and trailers before getting to the actual movie.

4. Sit and watch as a contestant on WWTBAM ponders a question. Get your ass out of that hot seat and give somebody else a chance!

5. Watch the PTI segment Five Good Minutes

6. Go into Andy Warhol mode and relive Kajagoogoo's brief moment of fame.

7. Listen to Greer Garson's Academy Award acceptance speech (which at about 7 1/2 minutes, is the longest in Oscar history)

8. Get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop without taking a bite

9. Listen to the song Five Minutes of Funk by Whodini.

10. Watch a Three Stooges short subject film

11. Sit through the speech that Steven Seagal delivers at the end of the 1994 film On Deadly Ground.

12. Pour a bottle of Heinz 57 ketchup from the roof of a building, run down several flights of stairs, order a hot dog, and have the Heinz 57 ketchup land on the hot dog.

13 . Watch the full-length version of the video for Thriller by Michael Jackson... woo hoo!

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Anonymous said...

This one was really funny to read, Malcolm. We are all so spoiled now with our high speed connections! When our computer crashed we were offline for about a week and I thought I would go nuts!

(The ones about WWTBAM and #11 were my favorites)

pussreboots said...

"By the way, did you ever expect to see references to Hannah Montana and George Carlin in the same post?" On your blog, yes. Anywhere else, probably not. :)

From your list, I would most prefer to watch a Three Stooges short.

I'm back to talking about book covers. Happy TT.

Chelle Y. said...

So glad I do not have to dial-up anymore.

SJ Reidhead said...

Golly I feel your pain. One of these days I am going to go postal on the Valor and you will read about me being sent to Camp Gitmo for threatening them!

The Pink Flamingo

Adelle said...

I would definitely lose it multiple times a day if I had dial up again. I feel your pain. This too shall pass. Happy T13!

shaunesay said...

I get impatient with the DSL even now, I don't how we survived dial-up. But then, how did I survive before the internet? Oh yeah, I probably did a lot more of that reading that I complain about not having time for! ;)

Happy Thursday on Wednesday! :D

Here's mine:

Open Grove Claudia said...

kajagoogoo?? God... I forgot all about them. Aren't they cute?? I have to do these things sometimes even with my fancy cable modem - too many youtube vids, or lots of flash will jam up my computer.

Happy TT, Malcolm

Anonymous said...

Rofl, I just might have to add you to my regular reads. I don't know what some of them are, but the ones I do are quite funny :D

Michelle said...

Well hello fellow Michigander! Always nice to meet bloggers from the same state as me. I loved your TT. So totally funny. Yup, Dial up sucks! Thanks for stopping by my place.

SandyCarlson said...

So true! Down with dialup! And down with DSL, which boots you out at random...

The Gal Herself said...

Re: #7 -- I am impressed, but not surprised, that you were aware of the Mrs. Minver Marathon. Great post, and thanks for visiting mine.

Lori said...

LMAO....I just might try #12:) Happy TT.

Toni said...

That is a great list. I loved seeing the pic of the tootsie roll owl and the Heinz ketchup commercial.

Now, I may need to go find the full length Thriller on the internet. I can remember when I knew exactly what time it would be coming on MTV and be sitting in front of the TV waiting!!!

Happy TT!


Pamela Kramer said...

This is hilarious! I love #6. Happy TT.

X. Dell said...

I haven't surfed with a modem for a long time. They must have gotten slower.

Denise Patrick said...

So, so funny. We are so spolied with speed that we can't even remember what it was like when the internet was new and it took literally minutes for pages to load - instead of seconds.

Happy TT! (And I hope you get your DSL back soon!)

Alice Audrey said...

I've been on dial up all along. Sigh.

Karen of Sillymonkeez said...

LOL at #6, #8, and #12!!

Here's mine . . .

Happy T13!!

gabriellahewitt said...

As much as I commiserate, your TT made me laugh. It's horrible how dependent we get on the computer. I'm extremely patient but when the computer is slow or not working like I want, my fuse shortens pretty quick. ;-)

Thanks for stopping by my TT!

Starrlight said...

Ahh the good old days. Remember when 56k seemed blazin?!

Lori said...

My husband and I were just talking about this yesterday- how you could click a page and then go fix a three course dinner while it loaded. We were singing the praises of DSL. You have my sympathy. =:-O

The list was great though. #8 cracked me up! #12 sounds like a fun experiment. But #13 would probably be most enjoyable. There's even a lego version. :-D

pjazzypar said...

I Got Ants In My Pants and I Need To Dance:) I am also caught in dial up hell so I know the feeling. High speed, Where Art Thou?

Malcolm said...

Holly, Who's Thriving At 30: I think I remember you telling me about your computer crashing. I can't even imagine being offline for a week.

I read somewhere that alot of the pondering on WWTBAM was edited out of the final broadcast. Just think what it would have been like if the director didn't trim some of that out.

Pussreboots: I haven't gotten my Three Stooges fix in awhile. I am putting them on the agenda for later this evening.

SJ: I can't wait to read that story!

Adelle: Thanks, hopefully the time will breeze by.

Shaunesay: It would take a lot of adjusting, but I think most of us could go old school (no computers, cell phones, etc.) if push came to shove.

Open Grove C: Although I know that Kajagoogoo recorded more than just "Too Shy", that's the only tune I know by them. I may have to browse Napster to sample some of their other tunes.

Terra: I'm glad you enjoyed them. If you do add me to your blogroll, let me know and I'll return the favor.

Michelle: I am glad you enjoyed my T13. It's good that I can laugh about the dial-up situation now, because it was far from funny when I first found out. Thanks for stopping by.

Sandy: One of these days I will upgrade from DSL, but I've been very satisfied with it for the most part.

I see that you updated your photo, I like it.

The Gal Herself: I wish I could find a transcript of Greer's speech because I'd like to know what the hell she was talking about for 7 1/2 minutes.

Lori: If you try the ketchup trick, please get it on camera and post it on your blog so that we can all see how it turns out.

Toni: I remember knowing when MTV was scheduling the video for Thriller too. It seemed like it was airing every hour on the hour.

Pamela: When I was writing this T13, I was trying to come up with the ultimate One Hit Wonder. Since I had never written about Kajagoogoo before, they fit perfectly.

X. Dell: I think that dial-up just seems slower because we are used to getting connected at much faster speeds. I guess it's similar to what it would be like going from a modern car to a Model T.

Denise: Until being forced to use dial up, I had forgotten how an image would slowly open up on the screen. First the forehead, then the eyes, then the nose...

Alice: Wow, if DSL or high-speed is available in your area, I highly recommend switching over.

Karen: I was so glad that I was able to find the images I wanted for this T13... esp. 8 and 12! By the way, did you recognize Matt LeBlanc in the screen caps for #12?

Gabriella: It's scary how dependent we are on technology. When things go down or aren't working properly, we are basically screwed.

Starrlight: I sure do remember.

Lori: I just Googled "Lego Thriller Michael Jackson" and found that the clip is available on You Tube. I'll save it to my favorites so I can watch it when my DSL is installed.

Pjazzy: I looked it up and found that the B-side to "I Got Ants In My Pants... Part 1" is Parts 15 and 16! Damn James!

marcia said...

would 12 really work i want to try --Sorry about dial up I feel your pain

Barbara Doduk said...

Very Funny. I am thankful I have super high speed. HAHA

Thanks for visiting my TT.

B @ The Love Blog

Artster63 said...

Hilarious post.

My major issue with dialup, aside from the lengthy connection time, was that screeching, grinding, alternating high-pitch sound. Man that drove me nuts.

I'm with "pussreboots" and the Three Stooges.

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