One of my all-time favorites shows is the long-running prime time soap "Dallas" (1978-91). During most of the 1980s, me and millions of others tuned to CBS on Friday nights at 9 to check out the saga of the Ewing family. Below are 13 of my favorite quotes. Without a doubt, my favorite character on the show was the man that Time magazine referred to as "that human oil slick"... J.R. Ewing. Although I wouldn't want to spend a minute with someone like J.R. in real life, he was fun to watch from the safe distance of my living room couch.
After his younger brother Bobby has brought his bride (Pam) to Southfork for the first time
1. J.R.: [referring to Pam] I asked her how much she'd take.
Jock: You did what?
J.R.: I tried to pay her off.
Jock: You jackass.
2. Lucy waits in J.R.'s office so that she can ask for his help in getting Jock (her granddaddy and J.R.'s daddy) to support her interest in a singing career. While waiting for J.R., Lucy discovers a record contract on his desk for country singer Garnet McGee (who's engaged to foreman Ray Krebs, but also sleeping with J.R.). Lucy implies that she might show Jock, Sue Ellen, and Ray the contract.
J.R.: Why Lucy Ewing... are you trying to blackmail old J.R.?
Lucy: No, I just want your help
J.R.: Alright honey go on you take these. Take 'em home show 'em to anybody you like.
J.R. tosses the contract towards Lucy
What's it gonna prove? Ewing Oil is branching out into the entertainment business... lot of money in that. Well what it will prove is that you are your mother's daughter... a scheming, blackmailing little tramp.
3. J.R. (referring to their brother Gary): Let's face it... he's weak, he's just weak
Bobby: You'd label any man weak who wouldn't stab another man in the back to make an extra buck
4. After finding out from Jock and Miss Ellie that Bobby, tired of all the wheeling & dealing and backstabbing by J.R., has left Southfork
Sue Ellen: You drove Gary away and now Bobby. You tried to bribe Valene. You cheated your friends. You've done everything in your power to get what you wanted... well you did it. Congratulations J.R., you are now the Ewing's only son.
J.R.: Mama... I don't want Bobby to leave... you know that.
Miss Ellie: All I know is J.R.... he's gone.
Miss Ellie and Jock leave the dining room
J.R.: You've had your last say in this house Sue Ellen. You think you can get away talking about me in front of my mama and daddy like that? You've caused me enough humiliation. You're a drunk, an unfit mother and I honestly think you've lost your reason. I'm gonna call Dr. Rogers. The sooner we have you put away in that sanitarium, the better off you're gonna be.
5. Gary and Bobby paying a visit to J.R., who is in the hospital after being shot
J.R. (weakly): Hi Gary
Gary: J.R... I was just telling Bobby I hope you'd wake up soon.
J.R.: Don't tell me you're gonna fly off to California already.
Gary: I gotta get back to my job.
J.R.: Yeah, I guess I'd rush home too if I was living next door to a pretty little bundle like Karen Fairgate.
Bobby (laughs): You're beginning to sound like the J.R. I used to know
J.R.: Well when they take out these tubes I just might take you two boys on in a little touch football, what do you say?
The three of them laugh
Gary: Yeah, we did have some great games
J.R.: Yeah, old Bobby was the powerhouse. If he couldn't outrun you, he'd try to bite you on the knee.
Bobby: Well, you had the best hidden ball trick in Dallas.
6. J.R. (to Lucy): Lost another one, did you, sugar? Hell, I got to hand it to you, you sure can pick them. A pansy, a crook, and an up-and-coming pauper. You are a veritable magnet for losers and failures.
Lucy: I can't do much worse than Sue Ellen can I?
7. After learning that J.R. (with their daddy Jock's approval) closed down oil wells in which family nemesis Cliff Barnes had a share, Bobby leaves J.R. and Jock and enters his bedroom (where his wife Pam awaits)
Bobby (to Pam, who is also Cliff's sister): Five minutes in the same room with J.R. I feel like I've been in a pig sty.
8. J.R. (referring to Cliff): Well, last night we went to the Oil Baron's and we ran into that termite brother of yours!
Pam: Are you talking to me?
J.R.: Anyone else in here gotta termite for a brother?
9. Banker Vaughn Leland enters J.R.'s office on the weekend. Due to his ulcers, he declines J.R.'s offer of a slice of pizza.
Vaughn: Don't you ever have trouble with your stomach J.R.?
J.R. (looks down at his stomach and laughs): Only when there's too much of it. I once did business with a man who said, "J.R. Ewing doesn't get ulcers... he gives 'em." (J.R. laughs)
10. Bobby confronts Jock at the Cattlemen's Club after learning that Jock withdrew 10 million dollars from the Ewing Oil account without consulting him first.
Jock: Obliged?! Are you telling me that I'm obliged to ask you how to spend my own money any damn way I see fit!
Bobby: That's right. You gave me the power to run that company and damnit I intend to run it!
Jock: So I gave you power huh? Well let me tell you something boy if I did give you power you got nothing! Nobody gives you power. Real power is something you take!
Miss Ellie, warning J.R. not to persecute Sue Ellen during their divorce proceedings
11. Miss Ellie: I just want you to remember J.R. you're only President of Ewing Oil by my graces. One step out of line, such as dragging Sue Ellen through the dirt and I'll change my vote so fast it'll make your head spin.
Bobby is at his ex-wife Pam's house to pick up their son. Pam's brother Cliff and his girlfriend Mandy are also there
12. Cliff (introducing his ex-brother-in-law Bobby to Mandy): Mandy Winger
Mandy (to Bobby): It's really nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you.
Cliff: None of it good though (Cliff laughs). No I'm just kidding really... I mean for a Ewing he's not really a bad guy
Bobby: Cliff, I'd hate for my boy to see me unscrew your head so why don't you just be quiet
Cliff: Bobby, come on lighten up, I'm joking
13. Sue Ellen: Tell me J.R., which slut are you gonna stay with tonight?
J.R.: What difference does it make? Whoever it is has got to be more interesting than the slut I'm looking at right now.
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